Birthdays

...Are a big deal around this house.

It's a celebration - of that person, of their life, of what God is doing in & through them. To me, that is worthy of streamers on their door & lunch with Daddy & their favorite treats, & of course a party, with people that have a significant role in their lives. This year, for Jack, that means family, our life group, & close friends. For Elliot, since he's older & understands his birthday a little bit, that means family & his friends (& their parents, who we conveniently are friends with). So I've been spending time party planning (two birthdays less than a month apart! Maybe they'll want a joint party one day?). Elliot's party will be simpler (he is easy to please) but Jack's is a little more involved - the first year is a big deal, y'all! Especially to me. My baby isn't a baby anymore... sigh. (I promise I'll stop lamenting about it sooner or later.)

As a parent, it is a joy to see people love on your kids. It is a blessing to know that they are prayed for outside of your home. I am thankful for the people who are, & who will be in the future, heavily involved in the lives of my children. This raising kids thing is no joke. It takes a village, as they say. It truly does! I have relied on the prayers of others to get me through these first three years of parenting, & I know that dependency will continue through the years. & my kids need to see other people love Jesus, teach them spiritual truths, & show them what it is to be a part of the Body of Christ.

I pray that my kids will always feel loved - not only by the people in their lives, but by their Heavenly Father. I want them to realize their significance. I want them to know that they are highly valued, because they are made in the image of their Creator, with a purpose. I want them to know that every one of their characteristics - from what the world deems as good, down to the completely quirky - was hand-picked by their Maker & is something to be confident in, because as they walk in the Spirit through life, He has a reason for it all. I hope to teach them all of these things consistently throughout their days, but on their birthdays especially, I want them to know - to understand - what a big deal they are in our eyes & in the eyes of Jesus. Not because of what they do, but who they are, through the shed blood of Christ. A child of the King.

In the next month, I'll celebrate both of my boys, & what God has done in their lives so far, also anticipating what He will do. He is good, & they are evidence in my life of that truth. They are worth celebrating!

Intentionally Eucharisteo

So I'm in the process of weaning Jack, with the goal of being done around his birthday in a month (I won't go into the "I thought about going longer but then he stopped nursing and who wants to keep pumping & I can't believe I'm about to officially declare my baby no longer a baby by weaning & I think I'm going to cry now" side of it) & I'm starting to feel... different. Like I'm slowly coming out of a deep, dark fog that I didn't realize I was in for almost 2 years of pregnancy & nursing. My body seems to be getting itself back into gear & I am finding myself actually motivated to do... things. Like, not just lay around like a slug during nap time (okay, not every nap time. It is a process, you know.). And, let me tell you, it is a good thing to feel almost like a normal human again!

Along with this physiological change, I am sensing a new work being done by the Spirit in me that I'm not sure I can fully describe (because I'm not sure I yet fully understand it) but I know that it is good. I am reading "One Thousand Gifts" by Ann Voskamp (writer, farmer's wife, & homeschooling mom extraordinaire of 6 kids) for our book club. I haven't read one of the book club books in a while, because of the aforementioned lack of involvement with the world outside of keeping my children & myself alive, but I had determined to read this one because I had heard how good it is. And, it is! (Some people are bothered by her writing style - it's very different, poetic - but the message is so good, I'd say, press on.) As a result of the book, I have seen that the way that I think is changing. I am more inclined to see things to be thankful for, instead of complain about. & this thankfulness had lead to a wonderful living in the moment, dwelling, enjoying. I am able to get past the tantrums & the crying & fully drink in the little moments of giggles & silly phrases & snuggles. (Eucharisteo is the word that Ann dives into, realizing that thankfulness is what leads to full life, to joy, to transformation.)

I have also been challenged to be intentional - in everything. I'm praying through my schedule to see what God has for us in this season, for each day. Casual time with my kids, time with Elliot doing preschool activities, time with Josh, time in intentional relationship with others, social activities, exercise, etc. I'm not entirely sure what this next year will look like yet for us, but I think it's going to be good. I'm excited to see what God has for me, & for our days, during the week & on the weekends with Josh.

I love to see God working in me. It's not me. But I am fully on board, inviting the Spirit to do whatever He wants in me. Abiding in the Spirit & yielding to Him produces what only He can accomplish, & that's what I want for my life. It's a process. But it is true life at its fullest!

One

My little baby will be one year old soon. How can that be? Somehow it happens so suddenly. You're snuggling your little one & you think, what are his feet doing all the way down there? He's surely not that long. All of a sudden, he's standing at his crib when you walk in his room; he's being tackled by his older brother & thinking it's funny; he's diving off the bed & you catch him by the foot & he thinks that's funny too.

Surely not.

Sigh.

So THIS is what it's like!

Jack loves him some food.

Elliot is a super picky eater - has been since day 1. He has always had some crazy, unknown system for deciding what he'll eat, conveniently resulting in only eating things like fruit, dairy products (which we limit because of his eczema), bread/pasta (again - limited, or gluten free), bite-sized (no larger!) chicken nuggets etc. He'll eat plenty of what he likes, but what he likes & what he's willing to try makes up for a very short list.

So we prayed that Jack would be a good eater. We didn't really do solids until 8 months, with the exception of letting him taste something here or there, & we skipped purees all together & only offer pieces of whole food. He didn't seem interested before 8 months. But since then, he has wanted to eat everything offered him, & he does it with gusto. He lunges towards my fingers or the fork, & if he has food on his tray, he grabs several pieces with his hand & shoves as many as possible in his mouth. It's hilarious. He will eat anything, & I can tell he doesn't love avocado (I think it's too plain for him - I bet he'd love guacamole) but so far he has loved vegan chili with baked potato; beef, chicken, fish, & pork; blueberries, melon, & pineapple; squash, green beans, tomato, & broccoli; & other things I can't think of at the moment. We went to get frozen yogurt yesterday & he was SO MAD that he couldn't have any, that he cried & reached for my bowl the whole time. I love that I can just feed him whatever I am eating, without having to worry about preparing something different; I just give him bites in between mine.

I'd say I'm a fan of this good-eater thing! I'm praying he keeps it up!

We interrupt your regularly scheduled program...

WE GOT A POOP ON THE POTTY!!! WE GOT A POOP ON THE POTTY!!!

That is all.

Wait, no.

I AM GOING TO THE FINALS GAME FOUR!!!

Okay, I'm really done this time.

:)

A Learning Moment

Yesterday, we decided to run to the mall to kill some time before meeting some friends for dinner. We were walking in & witnessed a guy driving into the parking garage who knocked the ladder off his truck because it was too high. He was having trouble getting out without losing his ladder. One woman was standing by the door making fun of him, & Josh decided to turn & go help him. I bent over to tell Elliot that Daddy was helping that man, & that we help people, even those we don't know, because Jesus loves them & we want them to know that. Elliot was listening & watching, & when I was done talking, he said loudly, "That's my daddy!"

I am challenged remembering this. Our kids see what we do; we are teaching them how to live in this world. What are they seeing from me? & I am encouraged by Josh & I desire to be more like him. The answer to these things: abide in the Spirit. This is my prayer!

Parenting is Hard

It's a different experience for everyone, so different people in different circumstances may or may not agree with the title of this post at this point in time, but it's definitely true for me right now. I wouldn't have said it was so pre-Jack. I mean, parenting Elliot before he was 2 certainly wasn't a cake-walk, but hard? Ehh. However, there is something about parenting an emotional, potty-training little boy as well as a baby who refuses to sleep through the night that makes me say, yes, this is hard.

I see the spiritual purpose of it all, though: God definitely wants to teach me how to handle a lack of control. I cannot (despite what some might say - please keep your theories &/or advice to yourself, thank you) force my baby to sleep through the night, force him to take a bottle, or force my little boy (eh hem, "big boy") to poop on the potty. So I have to let go. These are big examples of every little thing with parenting - I do what I can, based on the guidance of Scripture & the Holy Spirit, then I just trust God with the rest. Sounds so much easier than it is! But I'm trying.

I also recognize the slow submission to selflessness & sacrifice. I'd say these two words sure characterize parenting! & they are part of the sanctification process, hmm, how about that coincidence! God wants to do a work in me, in us, - any parent - through parenting.

Josh & I have been praying about how to parent while displaying God's grace to our children. This was something that was on our hearts, & then our church started a discussion about it, & then the women in my life group decided to read a book about it too. Everything I do as a parent either displays God's grace in an accurate way, or in a way that distorts it - yikes. Talk about pressure. But if I am walking in God's grace accurately, it shouldn't be as much of a struggle. So God has been revealing to me how I need to truly understand & accept His grace for me first, before I can show it to my children. This is a lesson that this legalistic rule-follower needs to learn, for sure.

I have found that life is pretty difficult to navigate when left to our own devices. What do we turn to? The well-meaning advice of friends, the experience of professionals, books with titles that seem to address the subject at hand? I was telling a friend yesterday that I realized that when it comes to Jack's sleep, do I think more about what I read in an article, or do I pray & trust God's sovereignty over even such a thing as sleep? Do I really think I hold the cards to the degree of fixing or further messing up how many times he wakes at night? How foolish of me. Abide - pray - trust - walk in the Spirit. That is my responsibility. Then whatever my circumstances, I continue to do the above, & God really, really will orchestrate my circumstances as He deems fit, for the good of those who love Him (Romans 8:28). & then... I continue to do the above. Again & again.

Abide - pray - trust - walk in the Spirit.

I'm praying I can get this down. Wouldn't life be easy if I could? :)

Mothering Matters

This is copied from my MOPS email - very encouraging.

Mothering Matters

By Mandy Arioto, mom of three

To the mom I saw at Costco yesterday. I see you. I see you friend, with a baby on your hip and a toddler strapped into the cart. Tired eyes and rushing to get your shopping done so that you can get home for nap time. Weary from surviving on four hours of sleep.

I wish I had stopped to look you in the eye in the middle of the cereal aisle to let you know that your efforts matter.

Kissing that boo and putting Band-Aids on, just because. That matters.

Watching your kids do the same tricks over and over again on the trampoline and each time acting as if it was the most impressive trick you have ever seen. That matters.

Snuggling on the couch and telling stories in a silly voice. That matters.

Waking at dawn and kissing goodnight. That matters.

What you are doing is so important. From one generation to the next, echoes of your voice will be heard.

I know what you think sometimes, because I have the same struggles. Too often we are cruel to ourselves. We tell ourselves things that aren’t true. We lay awake at night, shaming ourselves for all the things we haven’t done. Or we go through the day thinking that if somehow we just fed our kids a little bit healthier or read one more story or were a little more patient, that then we would be enough.

So, just in case today is one of those days when you are wondering if what you are doing really matters — wondering if anyone notices — if anything you are doing is world changing — feeling like your shoulders are heavy with worry —if you woke up today and already were looking forward to bedtime, then here is the truth for the day: You are the mom your kids need. I see you and your efforts are beautiful. You are enough.

Life Lately

God is still using the Breaking Free Beth Moore Bible study to kick my tail. The first couple of weeks provided enough for me to pray through for a long time, but alas, the study is 10 weeks long. I'm trying to remain in a place of letting God transform me.

Jack is sleeping a lot better for naps, but just as bad as a newborn at night. I think he's legitimately hungry, so I can't do much about that. I'm praying for strength, energy, patience, etc. every day & praying that God will help him sleep better eventually. This season is rough but I know it won't last. (At least, I'm pretty sure it won't.)

We bought plane tickets to Italy! We were provided with the opportunity to meet our friends Zac & Cara in Tuscany for a week & we couldn't pass it up. We've been to Florence & it is my favorite place in the world so far, so I can't wait to go back. We'll get to see more of the countryside this time & get to experience more true Italian life, off the beaten tourist path. It will be so great to get away with my love & best friend, too! 

I've started trying to be more intentional with my time with Elliot. As a result, the TV is off almost all day & we have had some good lessons going over letters, practicing drawing lines & circles, etc. He is at an age where he picks up things so quickly; it's so funny to hear him say things & see what he does that he saw us do. He loves to play with his cars & trains, have play dates with his friends, & go to the park, the children's museum, or the zoo. He loves his brother & goes back & forth between wanting to play with him, & taking away his toys or getting upset if Jack touches him. 

Jack is all of a sudden no longer a little baby. His personality is developing & he has so much more energy. He has decided he wants to be a big boy too, so he loves sitting up (if he's laying down or reclining, he tries to sit up straight), & if you put him on his stomach, he'll lift up & fling his arms & legs around like he's trying to crawl but just can't figure it out. He loves to watch Elliot & thinks he's hilarious. He's still super snuggly & now likes to burrow his face into my shoulder, particularly when he's tired. He is super smiley & rarely cries, except when he's hungry or really tired. It's so fun to see him develop! I thought it wouldn't be as fun the second time because I've experienced it before, but nope, it's just as great.

Lately, spiritually & not

So my last post ended up being pretty accurate. God has used my current life circumstances to refine me already in so many ways! Or rather I should say, we are on the path to refinement. The first week or two was rough, but once I completely surrendered to what God wants to do, it has been so good to see the areas I am lacking & what God wants to do to grow me. So far, I have learned that I have an issue with control that is rooted in a lack of trust in God (which also results in fear & holding too tightly to the things of this world, primarily people). I care too much what people think. & I am learning what it means to glorify God in my life. That is a very short summary of what God is doing in me right now, but I'm excited to see it all worked out. Not that I'll have all these things down anytime soon (or ever), but I know this is going to be a period of much growth & transformation, because God has promised to do those things if we are willing! & I am. So let's do this.

On a more superficial note, over the past couple of weeks, we have turned our study (which is really a formal dining room that we never used for dining) into a playroom. We bought some cube storage pieces from IKEA as well as a cute little kids' table with chairs & a rug that doubles as a place to play with cars (it has a town with roads & buildings on it). I ordered a pocket calendar (the kind that you manually change out every month) to hang on the wall, will buy an easel, & have my eye on a "playroom rules" piece at Hobby Lobby. Once I get all the necessary materials, we will start going through a preschool curriculum. We moved all of the study stuff into the sitting room that is off to the side of our master bedroom, which now feels more like a cozy nook than it did before (study stuff on one side, love seat with lamp & bookcase on the other). I'm excited to have a designated space for playing & learning!

Spiritually Speaking

I've been having a really rough time with this whole no-sleep thing. Isn't it silly? When I see how I'm reacting these days, I think it's ridiculous. It's such a minute thing. But I'm going on 6 weeks of sleep deprivation. (Two nights this week Jack was up every 2 hours. I have had two or three opportunities in the past several weeks to sleep 3.5 hours in a row, but no more.) My body aches because it can't get adequate rest, & my head has that constant "I might just fall asleep any minute" feeling. & I do okay some days, but other days I get so frustrated & even angry that there is no end in sight. Like I said, ridiculous. I'm not a big fan of my attitude. I'm having to do a lot of praying through it. I have had a feeling recently that God wanted to work on me in some areas that needed some refining. Nothing specific. I'm signing up for a Bible study this spring that I thought would lead to some thought-provoking times with the Lord, some good prayer, & maybe I'd come out the other end looking a little prettier spiritually. All neat & clean-like. Hmm, maybe THIS is what God was thinking instead? Oh sheesh. It seems I'm not accepting the challenge very well!

I started reading "So Long Insecurity" by Beth Moore. I have heard a lot of good things about it & as I mentioned before, felt up to the challenge to work through junk & thought maybe this would present some areas where I need to do that. I've started going through my Bible & writing out scriptures that say something about my identity, or where my worth & value is rooted. It's been good so far. I think I'll have to write them all out here once I have compiled my list.

So if you feel led, there are some ways you can pray for me. Specifically my attitude regarding no sleep. & please pray I & my family would remain healthy, mainly because my immune system is shot when I am not getting enough sleep & I don't want to bring any sickness into our home. Thanks. :)

Juice!

Josh & I received a juicer as an early Christmas present from Josh's parents. There are a lot of kinds of juicers out there, & after doing some research, we decided on the Omega J8006 because we wanted to be able to juice both vegetables and fruits, & wanted it to be easy to use & to clean. Why get a juicer at all, you ask? Josh & I watch a lot of food documentaries & have learned a lot about how we should eat to be healthy. It sounds simple, but really, who does it well? Josh & I do not take in enough, or enough of a variety, of fruits & vegetables. It's hard to do! A juicer makes it easy. You can make any combination you like - I'm currently drinking apple, carrot, celery, cucumber, spinach, & blackberries. The sweetness of the fruit is important. I'm certain I wouldn't drink it without!

Also, Elliot is a super picky eater. Unfortunately we can (very) rarely get him to try anything new, & what he chooses to eat is extremely limited. But throw some spinach, kale, or carrot in some juice & he'll drink it right up! This was a huge factor for us. We use healthy foods & vitamins to boost his immune system, & this helps with the healthy foods part.

I've already used it four times this week. Three times were some mixture of fruits & vegetables, & once we made orange juice. Yum! No more bottled stuff for us. It's really easy to use, & I'd even say fun! I feel healthier already. :)

Elliot

Elliot is at such a fun age (22 months), & I wanted to write down some of the things he does so I can remember them.

-He does not like messes. He wipes his hands on his napkin during meals, doesn't like the sandbox, & lets me know if he spills something or finds something on the ground, like a leaf, that doesn't belong. He likes to throw things in the trash, too.

-His communication has really taken off in the past couple of months. He was pretty slow to start out with talking, but now he picks up on new words all the time & is learning how to string them together. It's a challenge sometimes to figure out what he's saying, & funny to hear him really enunciating something - like right now, "reach" sounds like "rea-chuh."

-He loves Sage (he says Sagie, which happens to sound a lot like Daddy when he says it). He likes to play with her & tries to get her to follow him around (which only works if he has food). She's really good with him. For the most part, he ignores Toby, probably because Toby has batted him in the head a few times for touching him.

-He loves his cars, including his ambulance ("anse") & his tractor ("tactor"). He likes to look at trucks in books & asks if they are "big" (hand gestures included).

-He is pretty orderly, which I'm a fan of. He knows where things belong & is good at putting them back, & is good at observing on his own how things should go. He likes to line up his toys in different places - edge of the tub, window sill, any straight surface will do.

-He is really into coloring right now. We are working on colors & although it's hit & miss, he's starting to get them down. He loves to watch us color & has figured out how we hold the crayon so he holds it that way too.

-He LOVES to watch Sesame Street. I'll let him watch an episode in the late afternoon, usually when I'm cooking or doing things around the house. He is a big fan of Elmo & Grover ("Ro-rer").

-He is really a pretty content kid, & always smiles for strangers & doesn't shy away. I do see bits of rebellion throughout the day, & we try to be really consistent with discipline. It's probably the toughest part of parenting.

-He always wants us to kiss ("diss") something if he hurts it. He really has a tough skin when it comes to hurting himself, but I've noticed him getting more upset these days, then he'll ask for a kiss, & after we do, he's completely better. So funny.

-We try to tell Elliot about Jack, & have pointed out that the green frog in the nursery is Jack's, & the infant carseat next to him is his brother's, so he'll repeat those things back to us which will hopefully help in a few weeks when we actually introduce him to Jack. I'm sure we'll have some moments of jealousy, but I imagine he'll take to him pretty well.

I forgot one...
-Elliot always, ALWAYS whispers the word "yeah." I have never heard him say it at a normal volume. I'm not sure why; we certainly didn't teach him to do that. He says "no" just fine. It's funny!

Survival Mode

Last week, Elliot got a cold. This really isn't a huge deal, he was just really snotty & kind of grumpy since he didn't feel well. But that meant no Bible study & no gym all week, since that is how long his symptoms persisted. We got out one day & I meandered around Target for as long as I could because we had been stuck at home so long. Elliot also gave his cold to Josh, but I was able to fight it off.

He got better for the weekend, so I was able to go to MOPS & to church on Sunday. Then Monday he got the snots again, so no gym. Then Monday afternoon my throat started hurting. I woke up Tuesday feeling horrible, & went to the doctor to rule out strep since I felt a lot like I did when I had strep a few months ago. Fortunately, it's not strep, but unfortunately it's a viral infection that feels a lot like strep, but since it's viral I can't take any meds to fight it, I just have to let it run its course. Blahh. My throat hurts really bad & I have a lot of fluid on the right side of my face (& ear & throat, etc.) My ears are pressurized. My body hurts. & I have a baby to take care of! Lucky for me, he recently has been much better about playing by himself. So the past couple of days have been me sitting or laying on the floor while he plays. Insert feeding or changing him as needed. & that is the extent of my physical exertion.

I know he won't remember me being a completely lame mom for a few days here & there when I am sick, so I don't have any guilt about it. It is what it is, right? It's not fun, but it'll pass.

So pray for healing for our household! Elliot still has the snots a small bit, but overall seems better. I'm hoping after this week we can get back to normal!

Toddlerhood

Something happened when Elliot turned one - it's like his brain switched into toddler-mode. He started the obvious toddler thing to do, which is walk full-time. He decided to get a little louder (which, since he's been a pretty quiet baby so far, still isn't too terribly loud all the time). He decided to exert a little more of his opinion. He lets me know when he wants something, usually by making noise & pointing to it, & also lets me know how upset he is when I don't let him have it. He's letting more of his personality show. Toys are littered across every floor in the house - things that are meant to be toys, as well as empty water jugs, hand towels, & rulers. It just all happened so abruptly! It's all of a sudden a whole new world. Toddlers are very different than babies! But it's been fun. & every time he acts out is just an opportunity for us to show him we don't approve of that kind of behavior, & to show him the right thing to do, which is building the foundation for being a completely obedient child. (Okay, I'm kidding about the "completely" part - but training up a child in the way they should go does start now!)

This past weekend we went to a wedding of a good friend from high school. We got to spend the whole weekend with several of our closest friends, who do not live in San Antonio. Times like those are so sweet & such a blessing. We are totally blessed to have such great friends who have the same values & priorities that we do, & we're so thankful that we are able to maintain those relationships even at a distance. It was a fun & refreshing time. I pray that one day God allows us to live in the same city as some (or all!) of those friends.

Guess I better go clean the bathrooms while Elliot sleeps... sigh. Not my favorite chore... hence the blogging!

So it's been over a month...

I know, it's ridiculous. I mean, I don't work anymore, so shouldn't I have time to blog? The problem is, Elliot doesn't really like for me to do anything on the computer while he's awake. I can get away with cooking or doing laundry (most days), but the computer, not so much. Which leaves only nap time or after bedtime. & I have other things to do, so blogging gets pushed to the back burner.

Elliot is a whole year old!! This year has gone by so fast & at the same time, it feels like it's been forever. It sure causes me to reminisce over what things were like a year ago, & remembering being hugely pregnant & being in the hospital & all of that... crazy. He's definitely a little toddler now. He walks really well, though still enjoys crawling about half the time because he's just faster that way (he tried almost running the other day, which didn't really work out!). He has a sweet little personality, & seems to be a rule follower like his mama - though we also see that human nature rebelling at times! He seems to do new things weekly, many of which crack us up!! The other day he was sticking his tongue out & moving it around for a good five minutes. Good cheap fun! :)

We are entering the busy fall season. First of all, it finally feels like fall outside which is AMAZING. I am enjoying a cup of pumpkin spice coffee as we speak. We went to the pumpkin patch last week & I got my must-have caramel apple. I love this time of year - it is my favorite!

God has been teaching me a lot lately, as well. It has been a good season of growth & really seeing Him move in the people around me. I praise Him for being so intricately involved in our lives - He truly orchestrates even the tiniest details for His glory.

Okay, time to go fold laundry before Elliot wakes up! Thanks for hanging in there during this dry blogging season. :)

Bittersweet

I have not known, by experience, the definition of that word as much as I have come to know it in the past couple of weeks.

Four years ago, I started working for our church part-time from home. Long story short, I had prayed a ton about what I should do work-wise, & everything I thought about pursuing, God told me no. He told me to wait. So I did, & then was approached with this opportunity in the right time. It was perfect. I had no desire to pursue a career, I just wanted something to do before we had kids. I loved the people I worked with, it was flexible, & I still had time to hang out with friends during the week, take care of our home, & exercise.

I had always said that I would work until I couldn't both work & be a mom well. Josh & I felt strongly about me being a stay at home mom, so I decided that if my role as a mom was suffering, the job had to go. That realization came a couple of months ago. I knew I couldn't do it any longer, & God confirmed for me that this season was over.

Yesterday was my first day unemployed (though we are still transitioning the role, so I'm still working a smidgen). Sometimes I'm really excited about what God has for me in this new season. We are new Life Group leaders, & I just signed up for MOPS, & am doing a Bible study with our church this fall. & I just know, because the Lord is faithful & I have seen Him do it time & time again, that when I am obedient to what He wants me to do, He blesses me. There is much joy in obedience. So I know it will be good. But I am so, so sad to not be in weekly community with the church staff anymore. I am sad to say goodbye to what has been the past four years. I have had such crazy emotions lately - so very bitter at times, so perfectly sweet at others. I know as I continue to walk this through, it will become more & more sweet. Because my Jesus is good to me. & His ways are perfect.

Parenting 201

We have entered a new realm of parenting - discipline. Eek. Elliot is now crawling all over the place, pulling up, reaching for everything, & even exhibiting a bit of the "human sin nature." Oh boy. Now, if you don't think disciplining an 8 month old is appropriate, stop reading now. Josh & I believe that babies are smarter than they seem, & we want to teach him what is okay & what is not. We believe he has reached the stage where it is time to create boundaries. The problem is, how do I decide what those boundaries are?

You see, I am the type of person that lines up the kitchen table with the floor tiles. It's got to be straight. So, when my baby heads for my photo albums, do I get over it & force myself to think photos warped by drool is adorable? Or do I attempt to keep him away from everything that is not sold in the baby aisle of Target? You see my quandary.

It's hard to think about disciplining him. Who wants their child to get upset? I can see how parents end up letting their kids have or do whatever they want. But I also see what kind of kid that produces, & I don't want one of those!

God is SO teaching me right now to look to Him in EVERY moment. Stop - get my heart in the right place - pray & ask for wisdom/patience/peace - & let Him do it. Be obedient. What a process. It seems He is bound & determined to change me. How about that? Well, I might as well go with it. He really does have my best in mind, & Elliot's best. He is good. I really can rest in that!

My Identity Crisis

You know, it's amazing the things our identity can get caught up in. I think some are more obvious than others. There is the "I'm a stay at home mom;" the "I'm so successful in my job;" the "Why yes I am that person's spouse;" the "I am loving the single life;" etc. Those are identities we are more aware of. But what about roles like:

"I am so knowledgeable on this particular subject."

"I can't believe this is my life; let me tell you about my horrible life."

"I am the world's biggest fan of (insert sports team)."

"I am told I am so pretty all the time."

"I am (insert negative quality)."

"I live in a big house & drive a nice car."

We see these things that may or may not be true about us, & we dwell on them & allow them to become who we are. They determine whether or not we see ourselves as successful, valuable, or of any purpose. That's a problem. Even if those things are "good," they will eventually leave us empty & desperate for more.

I have been in a funk lately, & I am beginning to think that I have been grabbing onto these things that I see in my life, & letting them become who I am & what I am about. For instance, "I am sleep deprived & a slave to the nap schedule." My baby doesn't sleep well, & I take that to mean I am somehow failing, & afraid that others view it that way too. (That being said, if you come at me with advice, I might kick you in the shin.) Or, "this is what my body looks like now after having a baby, & the world tells me it isn't good." Great. So, if I allow these thoughts to happen, & I begin to see myself in these ways, I get frustrated & it wears on me emotionally & spiritually. Because that is NOT who I am. I am chosen by God; set free from the old, self-focused me. I have at my disposal the ability to feel freedom, peace, & joy. I want to choose those things! He has given me the role of wife & mom, & when those things are difficult, I'm not supposed to wallow in my circumstances, I'm supposed to ask Him for wisdom, for the solution to my problem. God says that what I look like on the outside doesn't matter, but my heart & my intentions do. So which one should I spend more time worrying about?? Who said my baby should be sleeping through the night every night at 12 weeks, anyways? Does God value that? (I'm not saying you're bad if you try to get your baby to sleep. I just need to make sure my heart is in the right place about it.)

I'm certainly not saying that I've figured it out. I'm trying to. I don't like being in a funk! & I think I need to focus on where I am putting my worth. That will definitely help. This is not what God has for me. He has much, much better - He has promised good things for me. I just need to allow Him to make it so.

Dedication is more than just a day...

My oh my, poor blog, how I have neglected you. Or rather, I have neglected the five of you who read it. I hope you are sticking with me. :-)

Life has been good. I feel like I have hit a good, new normal. My work load has evened out, for the most part, & I am able to delegate the time for each part of my jobs: wife, mom, homemaker, part-time employee. My house is even clean! How about that! I have definitely learned to extend grace to myself for the times that I just can't do it all. Josh & Elliot are my priority, & so if something else doesn't get done perfectly, that is okay. Life will go on! I am thankful to work for someone who cares about our family, & understands when I need to put work on pause to tend to Elliot. I feel like I have a good balance going on right now - well, minus exercise, that one is still lacking a bit. But as time goes on, I get a little more energy, so high hopes for getting back to some kind of exercise routine.

We dedicated Elliot to the Lord on Sunday at church. It was a special time for us to stand before our church body & say that we will do everything we can to lead him to the Lord, & for them to agree with us to come along side us & do what they can as well. I know God has created Elliot's life for a good purpose, & our role is to try our best to raise him to know God & to love His Word & obey His leading.

Part of that, that I am having a hard time with, is knowing that Elliot's life is in God's hands. As a mom, I take care of his basic needs - feeding him, keeping him clean, helping him sleep, etc. I protect him as best I can. But this has also brought a heaviness on me, an anxiety. I am responsible for this little person's well-being?! What if I mess up?? What if I do something terribly wrong? Oh, what a heavy burden to carry! It is not mine to carry! I am taking on more than my role. His life is NOT dependent on me. He is God's, & God will protect him regardless of my actions. Now, I'm obviously not saying I have no responsibility - but I am not fully responsible for him. I can't be. I do what I am supposed to do, & make decisions as best I can, but I am not going to mess up God's plan for Elliot, I'm just not.

I'm trying so hard to walk in faith, trusting God fully. A result of that will be peace & joy over my role as a mom. I haven't succeeded yet; I still deal with a physical feeling of anxiety. I have always struggled with fear, in different ways, & this is just a new version of it for me. But I know that this is something God wants to do in me, so I am prayerful in it. I want to trust Him with my children. I know I can. It's just walking that out, day by day, in my actions & emotions.

In other news, Elliot is five months now. He is continuing to grow like a weed. He is at least 27 inches long & about 16 lbs (these are my measurements so I know they are not exact) - 91st% for height, 32nd% for weight. Our little string bean! His weight had dropped off a month ago to 20th%, so I'm glad he bumped it up this month. He loves to stand (it's really hard sometimes to get him to sit!), loves having his fingers in his mouth (or anything, really), & has developed some fun new squeals & talks a lot more now. I think he may be teething - he has had some super grumpy moments lately, which is sad for our normally happy little guy.

Jason & Paige are coming to visit us this weekend, so we are very excited to spend time with old friends. I also got to spend time with a couple of friends last week. I am so thankful for the friendships that we have & are able to keep up with, though we don't live close to each other. I also love to see them loving on our little man. It is a blessing!