What is currently in my brain - a quick post

I'm so lame when it comes to blogging these days. Honestly, with the lack of free time I have, when the children are sleeping, the laundry is done & the house is (somewhat) clean, & I can choose what to do for a little bit, blogging doesn't land high on the priority list. But I'll give it a shot; start typing & see what comes out.

I feel we are in an interesting phase right now. Just trucking along, life as usual. In some ways, we are waiting. Waiting to see what God has, & when He has it. (Yes, I'm being vague.) In other ways, I'm just enjoying things. I'm enjoying my boys at this age & trying to do fun things with them. I'm trying to have intentional relationships with people. I'm trying to get a break every now & then (got a haircut last night, cucumbers on the eyes & arm rub included!).

Lots of things to pray about. Lots of things heavy on my heart. Lots of things I yearn for & desire to see come to pass but I've definitely learned by now that just because I want something doesn't mean it's what is best for me. Learning to trust God to move when it's time. I know that He will, yet it's so hard to hold myself back & keep myself from grasping at some kind of control.

In other superficial news, can I lament on the Christmas-ing that is going on at the BEGINNING OF NOVEMBER? Ugh. I mean, I saw Christmas lights up & reindeer prancing at a shopping center when it was still October! Do you people realize we now "celebrate" Christmas 1/6 of the year? Overkill? Yes. All because of money? Sigh. So, I will ignore all of those twinkling lights & red Starbucks cups until the day after Thanksgiving.

Now when radio stations start playing Christmas carols in about a week? My head might explode.

Intentionally Eucharisteo

So I'm in the process of weaning Jack, with the goal of being done around his birthday in a month (I won't go into the "I thought about going longer but then he stopped nursing and who wants to keep pumping & I can't believe I'm about to officially declare my baby no longer a baby by weaning & I think I'm going to cry now" side of it) & I'm starting to feel... different. Like I'm slowly coming out of a deep, dark fog that I didn't realize I was in for almost 2 years of pregnancy & nursing. My body seems to be getting itself back into gear & I am finding myself actually motivated to do... things. Like, not just lay around like a slug during nap time (okay, not every nap time. It is a process, you know.). And, let me tell you, it is a good thing to feel almost like a normal human again!

Along with this physiological change, I am sensing a new work being done by the Spirit in me that I'm not sure I can fully describe (because I'm not sure I yet fully understand it) but I know that it is good. I am reading "One Thousand Gifts" by Ann Voskamp (writer, farmer's wife, & homeschooling mom extraordinaire of 6 kids) for our book club. I haven't read one of the book club books in a while, because of the aforementioned lack of involvement with the world outside of keeping my children & myself alive, but I had determined to read this one because I had heard how good it is. And, it is! (Some people are bothered by her writing style - it's very different, poetic - but the message is so good, I'd say, press on.) As a result of the book, I have seen that the way that I think is changing. I am more inclined to see things to be thankful for, instead of complain about. & this thankfulness had lead to a wonderful living in the moment, dwelling, enjoying. I am able to get past the tantrums & the crying & fully drink in the little moments of giggles & silly phrases & snuggles. (Eucharisteo is the word that Ann dives into, realizing that thankfulness is what leads to full life, to joy, to transformation.)

I have also been challenged to be intentional - in everything. I'm praying through my schedule to see what God has for us in this season, for each day. Casual time with my kids, time with Elliot doing preschool activities, time with Josh, time in intentional relationship with others, social activities, exercise, etc. I'm not entirely sure what this next year will look like yet for us, but I think it's going to be good. I'm excited to see what God has for me, & for our days, during the week & on the weekends with Josh.

I love to see God working in me. It's not me. But I am fully on board, inviting the Spirit to do whatever He wants in me. Abiding in the Spirit & yielding to Him produces what only He can accomplish, & that's what I want for my life. It's a process. But it is true life at its fullest!

A Learning Moment

Yesterday, we decided to run to the mall to kill some time before meeting some friends for dinner. We were walking in & witnessed a guy driving into the parking garage who knocked the ladder off his truck because it was too high. He was having trouble getting out without losing his ladder. One woman was standing by the door making fun of him, & Josh decided to turn & go help him. I bent over to tell Elliot that Daddy was helping that man, & that we help people, even those we don't know, because Jesus loves them & we want them to know that. Elliot was listening & watching, & when I was done talking, he said loudly, "That's my daddy!"

I am challenged remembering this. Our kids see what we do; we are teaching them how to live in this world. What are they seeing from me? & I am encouraged by Josh & I desire to be more like him. The answer to these things: abide in the Spirit. This is my prayer!

Parenting is Hard

It's a different experience for everyone, so different people in different circumstances may or may not agree with the title of this post at this point in time, but it's definitely true for me right now. I wouldn't have said it was so pre-Jack. I mean, parenting Elliot before he was 2 certainly wasn't a cake-walk, but hard? Ehh. However, there is something about parenting an emotional, potty-training little boy as well as a baby who refuses to sleep through the night that makes me say, yes, this is hard.

I see the spiritual purpose of it all, though: God definitely wants to teach me how to handle a lack of control. I cannot (despite what some might say - please keep your theories &/or advice to yourself, thank you) force my baby to sleep through the night, force him to take a bottle, or force my little boy (eh hem, "big boy") to poop on the potty. So I have to let go. These are big examples of every little thing with parenting - I do what I can, based on the guidance of Scripture & the Holy Spirit, then I just trust God with the rest. Sounds so much easier than it is! But I'm trying.

I also recognize the slow submission to selflessness & sacrifice. I'd say these two words sure characterize parenting! & they are part of the sanctification process, hmm, how about that coincidence! God wants to do a work in me, in us, - any parent - through parenting.

Josh & I have been praying about how to parent while displaying God's grace to our children. This was something that was on our hearts, & then our church started a discussion about it, & then the women in my life group decided to read a book about it too. Everything I do as a parent either displays God's grace in an accurate way, or in a way that distorts it - yikes. Talk about pressure. But if I am walking in God's grace accurately, it shouldn't be as much of a struggle. So God has been revealing to me how I need to truly understand & accept His grace for me first, before I can show it to my children. This is a lesson that this legalistic rule-follower needs to learn, for sure.

I have found that life is pretty difficult to navigate when left to our own devices. What do we turn to? The well-meaning advice of friends, the experience of professionals, books with titles that seem to address the subject at hand? I was telling a friend yesterday that I realized that when it comes to Jack's sleep, do I think more about what I read in an article, or do I pray & trust God's sovereignty over even such a thing as sleep? Do I really think I hold the cards to the degree of fixing or further messing up how many times he wakes at night? How foolish of me. Abide - pray - trust - walk in the Spirit. That is my responsibility. Then whatever my circumstances, I continue to do the above, & God really, really will orchestrate my circumstances as He deems fit, for the good of those who love Him (Romans 8:28). & then... I continue to do the above. Again & again.

Abide - pray - trust - walk in the Spirit.

I'm praying I can get this down. Wouldn't life be easy if I could? :)

Sovereign

I decided a few months ago that I wanted to read through the whole Bible again. Not in order, but reading one book at a time, mixing up the Old & New Testaments. I'm currently reading Genesis, & I am supplementing with John MacArthur's commentary. It never ceases to amaze me that no matter how many times I read the Bible, it's always fresh & I learn something new.

I've read through creation, the flood, Abraham's promise, & am now reading through Jacob becoming Israel & going toward the land promised to him. Something that has really struck me so far is the fullness of God's sovereignty. From the very beginning, He had a plan. Specifically, he desired to use Abraham (who was rewarded for his faith) to be the father of a nation of people, God's chosen people. He would prosper that family line for His glory. When you read through the stories of Sarah's barrenness & how she took matters into her own hands to give Abraham a son; through Isaac's favor of his oldest son, Rebekah's manipulation, & the dissension between Jacob & Esau; through Jacob's pursual of Rachel & Laban's deception & the crazy child-bearing competition between Rachel & Leah; you see that God had a plan the whole time & no matter what anyone did, His plan prevailed. He protected His chosen. Abraham lied to kings, Isaac ignored the words of God given to his wife & desired to bless the wrong son, Jacob wore fur to pretend to be his brother. But God protected Abraham despite his lies, Isaac unknowingly blessed the son through whom the line of God would continue, & Jacob was blessed despite his sin. Even though Jacob preferred Rachel, it was through Leah that the tribe of Judah would descend.

People are messed up! Even people who love Jesus. Even people who God wants to use. We are all one big mess. & that's okay, God can work with that! I am encouraged by these stories. I can't mess up God's plan - His big overarching plan, or His plan for me. He can use me even when I act like a feeble human. Phew! I (in my natural, human flesh-ness) tend to lean toward the "law" side of the balance between law & grace, & I see that God desires to show me more of His grace, that I might understand it & let it cover me.

Living in Biblical Community

I feel like this is something we "church people" hear all the time, but how many of us really know how to do it? How many of us are actually doing it? I would say that until recently, we weren't. But now that we are, I love it & pray that every member of the Body of Christ would experience it too!

Our church is big on life groups. As in, if you attend our church regularly, you will feel like that's almost all we talk about & you'll receive phone calls from people inviting you to them. Our life groups are based on the Acts church - a small group of people who love Jesus & who spend time together singing, reading scripture, praying together, eating together, encouraging one another & holding each other accountable. We know what is going on in each other's lives & we help each other out. (Is every group functioning like this? Probably not. We are human after all - every participant needs to be willing, group leaders need to set the stage, etc. But this is the goal of our church leadership.)

We have been in the same life group for 3.5 years. People have come & gone, but there is a core group of us who have been there the whole time, & a lot of new fairly new people from the past year or so. Some older, some younger; lots of kids, mostly little ones. We don't all look the same or act the same & we wouldn't necessarily hang out together socially if we happened to randomly meet. We're not a group of friends who decided to make a life group. We are a diverse group of people who have one main thing in common: we are a part of the Body of Christ.

When you are with a group of committed people for that long, you will encounter obstacles to your relationship. You will see that every person is flawed. They might even get on your nerves. (They probably will.) But we are committed to love one another. So we've had tough conversations, we've had tears, we've had hours upon hours of prayer together & apart, we've had times where we fought spiritual battles for each other. But we've stuck it out & now I feel we are benefiting from that. We are truly a family. We love each other.

I am blessed to have been able to be a part of this group & to know what it is really like to be part of the Body of Christ. So many people just fight through life on their own. Even some Christians. We're not meant to! We are meant to live in community. That's how we were designed. We miss out big time if we aren't doing it. It's hard work & it's not always pretty. But it's so good. No matter where we are in life, for the rest of our time on earth, Josh & I will always pray to be a part of Biblical community & we will always seek it out. It's a vital part of the life of a believer & we praise God for His perfect plan for us. It's a good one!

Revelation

The Breaking Free Bible study is over. These were some challenging, exhausting, purposeful weeks. If you'll remember, I realized in early January that God wanted to do some work in me. He set the stage in part with being physically drained from lack of sleep, then throw in a toddler & a baby, which really leave a person feeling like they have no control over their life. I needed this. I threw up the white flag & told God He could do whatever He wanted. & He did. In the first three weeks, He revealed so many things in my life that were ugly. They were things of the flesh, that is dead in me, that I (mostly unknowingly) was dragging along with me in an attempt to walk with Jesus. That's a gross mental picture & in reality, it wasn't working out so well.

Until today, I was overwhelmed. The study moved quickly & we kind of left all of those Ugly Things behind, not completely dealt with, & I kept thinking about them. God, when are you going to want to go back so we can hash through it all? This study is NOT long enough!

On the last day, Beth Moore challenged us to write out a covenant in conclusion to the study. I was thinking I should spend a lot of time going back & perhaps going over each Ugly Thing until I felt like I had some kind of grasp on it - some scripture about it memorized, ways to handle it in the future, etc. As I sat down to spend time with Jesus this morning & write out that covenant, God spoke out the conclusion - it all came together in an instant. Words that He spoke to me over the course of those weeks all of a sudden fell in place like a perfect puzzle & it was done. No need to continue going over the Ugly Things. He didn't want me to do that. Because that would end in me trying to work out holiness in myself, which is something I struggle with already & we aren't meant to do that.

It might all seem so basic, but it was a complete revelation to me in that moment. All He wants me to do is so simple. Difficult to live out, especially on particular days, yes. But so simple.

Cease striving in my efforts.
Walk in the Spirit.
Ask for wisdom in each specific moment.
Do what He leads me to do.
Memorize scripture. Put it on the walls of my heart, in place of lies.

HE will do the transforming work in me. I don't need to do it. Thank the Lord! HE is faithful to produce the likeness of His son in me. Even though the study is over, His work in me is not - He will work it out into completion (Philippians 1:6).

PRAISE HIM! He is so good!

Stuck

When Josh & I were engaged, we began to see, through the couple who led us through premarital counseling, the need for adoption & the blessing it is for families who adopt. We knew before we were married that there was a calling on our lives to adopt, & in the 6 years since then, our passion for adoption has grown. I don't just desire adoption for our family, but I desire to see every orphan have a mommy & a daddy, which is something I constantly pray for.

Last night my friend Sara & I went to a one-night showing of a documentary called Stuck. (Sara & her husband will leave in a few short weeks to pick up their daughter in China.) It is about international adoption & the roadblocks that delay & sometimes prevent children from coming home to their families. It was produced by the Both Ends Burning movement, which hopes to gain a social following that will lead to political change. (Visit the website for more information & to sign the petition that will go to Capitol Hill in May.)

The documentary was very well done & drove me to tears several times; I had to hold back from being *that* sobbing woman who prevents everyone else from hearing the movie. Some of the scenes were too much - seeing babies & children practically stacked on top of each other in institutions, physically malnourished, & in the worst cases, severely mentally damaged due to lack of attention, affection, & mental stimulation. At one point I had to look away because I was so close to breaking into sobs. Conservative estimates say there are 10 million orphans worldwide. I can't even begin to comprehend that number. I so badly want to rock those babies who cry, to hold those children who have never been hugged. I feel so helpless. I know we'll adopt one day. But what is one, two, three kids in the midst of 10 million?

God reminds me that my job is to simply obey, & do what He has set out for us to do. I can't feel responsible for taking care of each orphan. But the burden is there, so I pray. A lot. The world is a broken & hurting place, & I have never been so aware of that fact as I have recently. So many times I am driven to prayer, but I don't know what to pray. But in my cries, I hear the reassuring voice of Jesus. He sees them. He knows. & with that, I must trust. He is a good God. I must believe the promises I see in scripture, & trust in the character of God, that He has this issue in His mighty hands. He sees every last orphan, & He loves them so.

I am so thankful for a God who:
- executes justice for the fatherless (Deut. 10:18)
- is the Father of the fatherless & sets the solitary in a home (Ps. 68:5-6)
- upholds the fatherless (Ps. 146:9)
- sets the Church out to take care of the orphan (James 1:27) & to defend their cause (Isaiah 1:17)
- is their Helper, who takes their cause into His hands (Ps. 10:14)
- is where the orphan finds mercy (Hosea 14:3)

Life Lately

God is still using the Breaking Free Beth Moore Bible study to kick my tail. The first couple of weeks provided enough for me to pray through for a long time, but alas, the study is 10 weeks long. I'm trying to remain in a place of letting God transform me.

Jack is sleeping a lot better for naps, but just as bad as a newborn at night. I think he's legitimately hungry, so I can't do much about that. I'm praying for strength, energy, patience, etc. every day & praying that God will help him sleep better eventually. This season is rough but I know it won't last. (At least, I'm pretty sure it won't.)

We bought plane tickets to Italy! We were provided with the opportunity to meet our friends Zac & Cara in Tuscany for a week & we couldn't pass it up. We've been to Florence & it is my favorite place in the world so far, so I can't wait to go back. We'll get to see more of the countryside this time & get to experience more true Italian life, off the beaten tourist path. It will be so great to get away with my love & best friend, too! 

I've started trying to be more intentional with my time with Elliot. As a result, the TV is off almost all day & we have had some good lessons going over letters, practicing drawing lines & circles, etc. He is at an age where he picks up things so quickly; it's so funny to hear him say things & see what he does that he saw us do. He loves to play with his cars & trains, have play dates with his friends, & go to the park, the children's museum, or the zoo. He loves his brother & goes back & forth between wanting to play with him, & taking away his toys or getting upset if Jack touches him. 

Jack is all of a sudden no longer a little baby. His personality is developing & he has so much more energy. He has decided he wants to be a big boy too, so he loves sitting up (if he's laying down or reclining, he tries to sit up straight), & if you put him on his stomach, he'll lift up & fling his arms & legs around like he's trying to crawl but just can't figure it out. He loves to watch Elliot & thinks he's hilarious. He's still super snuggly & now likes to burrow his face into my shoulder, particularly when he's tired. He is super smiley & rarely cries, except when he's hungry or really tired. It's so fun to see him develop! I thought it wouldn't be as fun the second time because I've experienced it before, but nope, it's just as great.

Something New

There is something comforting about a very used Bible.

I have had the same Bible for at least 8 years (I can't remember when I got it, but it was perhaps sophomore year of college). I've been through a lot with that Bible. I see scripture underlined & I can remember when I underlined it & what God was doing in my life at the time. There is a Post-It note in the front of it that has what I had engraved on the inside of Josh's wedding ring, which I placed there before we were even engaged. There are pages that are almost entirely blue because of my markings (mainly in the book of James, Ephesians, & Isaiah). We've been through a lot, me & that Bible.

A couple of months ago, Josh was given three large boxes full of Bibles. (It is neither here or there how he ended up with them.) Last week, we went through the Bibles & picked out a few to keep & boxed up the rest to give away. Among the ones we are keeping are an ESV study Bible, a prophecy study Bible (I have a thing for prophecy & can't wait to spend some time in this one), & even a book of common prayer that I am using as a devotional. But we kept two ESV Bibles that we really liked - they are actually a lot like my old Bible (same translation & manufacturer), but bigger & the print is laid out a bit differently. Josh immediately decided to start using one of these Bibles in place of his other one. But I was hesitant. I knew where all my favorite passages were on the pages of my old Bible - on the left page, on top, for example. I could skim through it & read what was underlined & knew I'd get a treasure. So I sat the new Bible off to the side, & decided I'd save it for when my old one fell apart or something. But I ended up pulling it out the next day, & I've been using it for about a week now.

There is something refreshing about a new Bible.

The pages are blank; my favorite scriptures are not located on the same page they were before. I flip through & there are no pen marks. But now as I open it to a particular page & look for a scripture, I almost read it with new eyes. I'm not reading it through the lens that God has used to speak to me in the past. I am beginning to add some blue ink to the black. God is still reminding me of precious truths He has revealed to me before, but there is a newness, a freshness, to what I read. And it's good, particularly for this season of my life where God is doing a new thing in me, while scraping up some of the old, crusty parts that have been around for far too long.

And part of me can't help but be extremely thankful that I even have the opportunity to own & hold & read a Bible, & even so, more than one. So many believers across the globe would do anything to glimpse the pages that I have in my possession. May I never, ever take for granted the freedom I have to read & know the Word of God.

Lately, spiritually & not

So my last post ended up being pretty accurate. God has used my current life circumstances to refine me already in so many ways! Or rather I should say, we are on the path to refinement. The first week or two was rough, but once I completely surrendered to what God wants to do, it has been so good to see the areas I am lacking & what God wants to do to grow me. So far, I have learned that I have an issue with control that is rooted in a lack of trust in God (which also results in fear & holding too tightly to the things of this world, primarily people). I care too much what people think. & I am learning what it means to glorify God in my life. That is a very short summary of what God is doing in me right now, but I'm excited to see it all worked out. Not that I'll have all these things down anytime soon (or ever), but I know this is going to be a period of much growth & transformation, because God has promised to do those things if we are willing! & I am. So let's do this.

On a more superficial note, over the past couple of weeks, we have turned our study (which is really a formal dining room that we never used for dining) into a playroom. We bought some cube storage pieces from IKEA as well as a cute little kids' table with chairs & a rug that doubles as a place to play with cars (it has a town with roads & buildings on it). I ordered a pocket calendar (the kind that you manually change out every month) to hang on the wall, will buy an easel, & have my eye on a "playroom rules" piece at Hobby Lobby. Once I get all the necessary materials, we will start going through a preschool curriculum. We moved all of the study stuff into the sitting room that is off to the side of our master bedroom, which now feels more like a cozy nook than it did before (study stuff on one side, love seat with lamp & bookcase on the other). I'm excited to have a designated space for playing & learning!

Spiritually Speaking

I've been having a really rough time with this whole no-sleep thing. Isn't it silly? When I see how I'm reacting these days, I think it's ridiculous. It's such a minute thing. But I'm going on 6 weeks of sleep deprivation. (Two nights this week Jack was up every 2 hours. I have had two or three opportunities in the past several weeks to sleep 3.5 hours in a row, but no more.) My body aches because it can't get adequate rest, & my head has that constant "I might just fall asleep any minute" feeling. & I do okay some days, but other days I get so frustrated & even angry that there is no end in sight. Like I said, ridiculous. I'm not a big fan of my attitude. I'm having to do a lot of praying through it. I have had a feeling recently that God wanted to work on me in some areas that needed some refining. Nothing specific. I'm signing up for a Bible study this spring that I thought would lead to some thought-provoking times with the Lord, some good prayer, & maybe I'd come out the other end looking a little prettier spiritually. All neat & clean-like. Hmm, maybe THIS is what God was thinking instead? Oh sheesh. It seems I'm not accepting the challenge very well!

I started reading "So Long Insecurity" by Beth Moore. I have heard a lot of good things about it & as I mentioned before, felt up to the challenge to work through junk & thought maybe this would present some areas where I need to do that. I've started going through my Bible & writing out scriptures that say something about my identity, or where my worth & value is rooted. It's been good so far. I think I'll have to write them all out here once I have compiled my list.

So if you feel led, there are some ways you can pray for me. Specifically my attitude regarding no sleep. & please pray I & my family would remain healthy, mainly because my immune system is shot when I am not getting enough sleep & I don't want to bring any sickness into our home. Thanks. :)

Advent

This year, we decided to start actively celebrating Advent during the four weeks leading up to Christmas to prepare our hearts for the coming of Jesus as a baby, & to also continue preparing our hearts for the coming of Jesus as triumphant King (see the book of Revelation for more - it's pretty awesome). We decided to follow a reading plan that uses the Jesus Storybook Bible. Each story points toward Jesus at the end, which is really great, especially for the Old Testament. Anyway, we've done a pretty sad job of it. Between being out late some nights & sometimes just plain forgetting, we're seriously batting... well, I don't understand batting averages, but it's low. But, I feel our hearts are in the right place, & we'll do better next year!

I have realized though that I need to do some purposeful praying to get my heart in the right place. Even though I'd like to think that celebrating Jesus & God's plan for the salvation of mankind is my main concern during this time of year, I've found that it's just not. I have layers of tradition & cultural concerns built up around my heart. No, certainly not every bit of it is "bad." But I'm not pleased with myself. I'm not entirely sure where to go from here. I don't think anything drastic needs to be done - I think I just need to pray, a lot. Knowing the condition of my heart & mind is the first step.

It has been fun this year to see Elliot experiencing everything Christmas. He didn't get a lick of it last year, but this year he gets really excited to see "more lights!" & snowmen & talks about "baby Jesus born." Josh will be off work for a week & a half, & I'm so looking forward to spending all of that time as a family. Plus, I just love having him home! I may need to do some heart exercising to get it in good spiritual condition, but I will indeed truly enjoy sitting in the living room, twinkle lights on the mantle & candle burning to give my house that "real tree" smell, thanking God for the best three men in my life. Nothing wrong with that.

A Fair Trade Christmas

For those of you who are not familiar with fair trade, here is the Wikipedia definition (in part):

Fair trade is an organized social movement that aims to help producers in developing countries to make better trading conditions and promote sustainability. The movement known as fairtrade indicating the certification advocates the payment of a higher price to exporters as well as higher social and environmental standards. It focuses in particular on exports from developing countries to developed countries, most notably handicrafts, coffee, cocoa, sugar, tea, bananas, honey, cotton, wine,^[1] fresh fruit, chocolate, flowers, and gold.^[2] There are several recognized Fairtrade certifiers, including Fairtrade International (formerly called FLO/Fairtrade Labelling Organizations International), IMO and Eco-Social. Additionally, Fair Trade USA, formerly a licensing agency for the Fairtrade International label, broke from the system and is implementing its own fair trade labelling scheme, which has resulted in controversy due to its inclusion of independent smallholders (selling via contract production) and estates for all crops. (fairworldproject.org)

In the past few years, I have become more aware of how businesses work - the good, the bad, & the ugly. Unfortunately, when money is the number one priority, things like the welfare of employees & the health of consumers often go out the window. Many companies, when you trace back the products & the processes they use, either use child labor or forced labor. Prisoners in China (including Christians who are arrested for their beliefs) are forced to work in sweatshops to make things that we buy - that makes me sick to my stomach. I don't at all claim to live a life that is 100% fair trade. I'm just now even trying to be more aware of how I spend my money. So don't hear judgment from me. But it's something that needs considering.

I found some great websites & companies that are fair trade & have purchased many Christmas gifts through them this year. You can find delicious coffee, tea, & chocolate; beautiful jewelry handcrafted from renewable or even recycled materials, as well as other accessories like purses & scarves; home decor & collectibles; & more. Here are some of the websites I found -

Ten Thousand Villages - also has stores around the country, including in Austin
Trades of Hope 
Trade as One
Sseko Designs - super cute sandals
Hannah James - really cute jewelry
Apparent Project - jewelry made in Haiti with recycled material
Sit a Spell - a blog written by a woman from our church in College Station, she lists lots of fair trade products
Rage Against the Minivan - another blog with lots of fair trade products

There is also a store here in San Antonio called All's Fair World Gifts. You should check it out!

It's Christmastime

I refuse to do anything Christmas-y until the day after Thanksgiving, but once it's Christmastime, I'm all in! I love the trees & the lights on the mantle & the smells & the songs. (Have you ever really listened to the words of Christmas songs? The ones we've always known & have sung since we were little kids? They're about Jesus! [Okay, maybe not Jingle Bells.] Amazing really, that those words are played over secular radio every year. I pray that they bring people to a saving knowledge of Jesus!)

If you know me well, you know my middle name might as well be "tradition." My family jokes that if we do something twice, that means we'll do it forever. I do get stuck in my ways. They are familiar & bring back memories while making new ones all at the same time. But every Christmas, God causes us to think about the ways we celebrate. We want Christmas to be about Jesus. So how do we do that? How do we keep our hearts focused on Him during this time of busyness, traffic, & materialism?

I read this blog yesterday & I love the heart that it comes from. I'm so thankful other families can help lead the way in this desire to do Christmas a little differently. Here is a resource regarding the season of Advent. If you have any great websites, please let me know!

It's all a process, & we just want to make sure our hearts are in the right place. What is eternal & what is pleasing to Jesus? We want to do those things! So every year we consider, & every year something changes. Who knows what Christmas will look like for us in the years to come! But it's a wonderful time of realizing that one night, so many years ago, a baby was born who would become the Savior of the world, & one day that Savior will come back again, riding on a white horse, in victory, to take those of us who love Him to be with Him forever. Amazing!!

So it's been over a month...

I know, it's ridiculous. I mean, I don't work anymore, so shouldn't I have time to blog? The problem is, Elliot doesn't really like for me to do anything on the computer while he's awake. I can get away with cooking or doing laundry (most days), but the computer, not so much. Which leaves only nap time or after bedtime. & I have other things to do, so blogging gets pushed to the back burner.

Elliot is a whole year old!! This year has gone by so fast & at the same time, it feels like it's been forever. It sure causes me to reminisce over what things were like a year ago, & remembering being hugely pregnant & being in the hospital & all of that... crazy. He's definitely a little toddler now. He walks really well, though still enjoys crawling about half the time because he's just faster that way (he tried almost running the other day, which didn't really work out!). He has a sweet little personality, & seems to be a rule follower like his mama - though we also see that human nature rebelling at times! He seems to do new things weekly, many of which crack us up!! The other day he was sticking his tongue out & moving it around for a good five minutes. Good cheap fun! :)

We are entering the busy fall season. First of all, it finally feels like fall outside which is AMAZING. I am enjoying a cup of pumpkin spice coffee as we speak. We went to the pumpkin patch last week & I got my must-have caramel apple. I love this time of year - it is my favorite!

God has been teaching me a lot lately, as well. It has been a good season of growth & really seeing Him move in the people around me. I praise Him for being so intricately involved in our lives - He truly orchestrates even the tiniest details for His glory.

Okay, time to go fold laundry before Elliot wakes up! Thanks for hanging in there during this dry blogging season. :)

Parenting 201

We have entered a new realm of parenting - discipline. Eek. Elliot is now crawling all over the place, pulling up, reaching for everything, & even exhibiting a bit of the "human sin nature." Oh boy. Now, if you don't think disciplining an 8 month old is appropriate, stop reading now. Josh & I believe that babies are smarter than they seem, & we want to teach him what is okay & what is not. We believe he has reached the stage where it is time to create boundaries. The problem is, how do I decide what those boundaries are?

You see, I am the type of person that lines up the kitchen table with the floor tiles. It's got to be straight. So, when my baby heads for my photo albums, do I get over it & force myself to think photos warped by drool is adorable? Or do I attempt to keep him away from everything that is not sold in the baby aisle of Target? You see my quandary.

It's hard to think about disciplining him. Who wants their child to get upset? I can see how parents end up letting their kids have or do whatever they want. But I also see what kind of kid that produces, & I don't want one of those!

God is SO teaching me right now to look to Him in EVERY moment. Stop - get my heart in the right place - pray & ask for wisdom/patience/peace - & let Him do it. Be obedient. What a process. It seems He is bound & determined to change me. How about that? Well, I might as well go with it. He really does have my best in mind, & Elliot's best. He is good. I really can rest in that!

Living radically

If you haven't read the book "Radical" by David Platt, I recommend you do so. Even more, I recommend you read it with your spouse. Josh & I are both reading it, & are only about halfway through, but it has caused many conversations between us. Reading it is much more impactful than my summary could ever be, so I won't even try. But here are some of the ways we are being challenged.

We have always been pretty frugal people (some may say "cheap"). But now we are considering - okay, when we choose not to spend our money on something, then what do we do with it? Are we frugal so that we can save save save? Or do we realize what eternal purpose that money could serve?

Now, the basis behind ANY question we ask is motive. Saving in itself isn't bad. Buying a house or a car or going out to eat aren't in themselves bad things. But when we save, is it because we are putting our security in our finances? We need a "safety net?" Is it taking away from our trust in the Lord, that He provides for all of our needs? Maybe. When we buy something, is it because the Lord is leading us to do so? Or because we want the new thing, the bigger thing?

We have, until now, thought that we would need to buy a new car soon - a new (used) SUV for me to truck our kids around in. I drive a small car & Josh drives an SUV with almost 150,000 miles on it. But what about me driving Josh's car until it dies? Well, I tell ya, I get much more excited about the thought of a newer car. But why?? I'm not saying we won't eventually buy a car. But we want our hearts to be in the right place. We want to be willing to sacrifice. We desire to live simply. We don't want our money to go toward "earthly trinkets," but "eternal treasures."

When we save money by not buying something, we are now challenged to consider where we might give it. We have always given money to our church & to other organizations. But maybe we should go above & beyond. Do we give out of excess, or are we sacrificing? God already gave us somewhere to give some money, & put it on Josh's heart for us to do so. I gladly submit to a husband who desires to give to something that will have eternal benefit!

I am also being challenged to consider my purpose. God wants to use us to make disciples; to change the world. Yes, being a wife & a mom is a huge calling that the Lord has placed on my life. But I know that's not all He has for me. & I want to be used where He wants to use me.

It may sound huge & lofty, all good & well, or it might sound crazy or legalistic. (Sidenote: One other thing I am trying to do right now is to make sure I'm not making "rules" for myself. As a rule follower, that is so easy for me. But I want there to be reason behind the things that I do.) Read the book! Platt's heart behind every word is that we might do what GOD wants. Die to ourselves that He might live through us. I am excited to see how the Lord is moving in our lives. He has GOOD things for us, & I want to be a part of it!!

My Identity Crisis

You know, it's amazing the things our identity can get caught up in. I think some are more obvious than others. There is the "I'm a stay at home mom;" the "I'm so successful in my job;" the "Why yes I am that person's spouse;" the "I am loving the single life;" etc. Those are identities we are more aware of. But what about roles like:

"I am so knowledgeable on this particular subject."

"I can't believe this is my life; let me tell you about my horrible life."

"I am the world's biggest fan of (insert sports team)."

"I am told I am so pretty all the time."

"I am (insert negative quality)."

"I live in a big house & drive a nice car."

We see these things that may or may not be true about us, & we dwell on them & allow them to become who we are. They determine whether or not we see ourselves as successful, valuable, or of any purpose. That's a problem. Even if those things are "good," they will eventually leave us empty & desperate for more.

I have been in a funk lately, & I am beginning to think that I have been grabbing onto these things that I see in my life, & letting them become who I am & what I am about. For instance, "I am sleep deprived & a slave to the nap schedule." My baby doesn't sleep well, & I take that to mean I am somehow failing, & afraid that others view it that way too. (That being said, if you come at me with advice, I might kick you in the shin.) Or, "this is what my body looks like now after having a baby, & the world tells me it isn't good." Great. So, if I allow these thoughts to happen, & I begin to see myself in these ways, I get frustrated & it wears on me emotionally & spiritually. Because that is NOT who I am. I am chosen by God; set free from the old, self-focused me. I have at my disposal the ability to feel freedom, peace, & joy. I want to choose those things! He has given me the role of wife & mom, & when those things are difficult, I'm not supposed to wallow in my circumstances, I'm supposed to ask Him for wisdom, for the solution to my problem. God says that what I look like on the outside doesn't matter, but my heart & my intentions do. So which one should I spend more time worrying about?? Who said my baby should be sleeping through the night every night at 12 weeks, anyways? Does God value that? (I'm not saying you're bad if you try to get your baby to sleep. I just need to make sure my heart is in the right place about it.)

I'm certainly not saying that I've figured it out. I'm trying to. I don't like being in a funk! & I think I need to focus on where I am putting my worth. That will definitely help. This is not what God has for me. He has much, much better - He has promised good things for me. I just need to allow Him to make it so.

The Royal Wedding

I have to admit, the thought of waking up in the wee morning hours to watch the royal wedding seemed kind of crazy, especially considering I truly value my sleep these days. But in the end, the desire to make a memory won out (not to mention not having a DVR; I had no "watch it later" option). I set my alarm for 4:30, & of course Elliot woke me up at 3:45, so it's 8:30 & I've been up for almost 5 hrs. I'm on to breakfast & cup of coffee #2. (It's gonna be a long day).

Anyways, it was pretty great. It was so cool to watch the royal family driving to the church, & to see everyone walking in. [Side note: I want to wear fastenators (sp?)! I think they are awesome! Can someone please start selling them on this side of the pond?]

Then to see Kate getting into the car, to see the dress, her face behind a veil - all the anticipation (that has indeed been media-driven, but nevertheless, it was there) culminating in seeing her heading toward her groom. I got emotional, it's true. & I realized that the way that we see this bride, looking amazing on her wedding day, is only a small picture of one day, when the Body of Christ, all believers, the bride of Christ, is presented to her Groom. It is going to be more amazing, more exciting, more passionate than any wedding we've ever seen or experienced. His love for us is greater than the love of a prince for his princess. It is the love of a King for His creation, for those He literally laid down His life for.

I think there is a part of every woman that loves the fairy tale; that wants to be the princess in the gorgeous dress. Because we were made for that! We were made to be saved, to be redeemed, to be passionately loved & desired & treasured. Marriage is a picture of that, but it's not perfect. Your earthly husband will let you down - he is incapable of loving perfectly. The only way we can truly fill that need is to understand the way that Jesus passionately loves us. I would say sometimes I feel I understand it, but largely, I continue to pray that I would really experience the love that He has for me, & be able to comprehend how that love was shown at the cross. He doesn't need to prove His love for me (though He still chooses to, every day if I choose to see it) - He already did. I just need to understand & accept it in order to live in it.

One day our knight on a white horse will come for us. We will be rescued from pain, hurt, sorrow, death. We will finally be in the presence of our King, Father, Creator, Savior, Friend, Groom. Revelation gives us a little bit of an idea what it will be like, but really, we can't fathom it. But I do know, it will be more spectacular than the wedding I watched this morning (as lovely as it was). THAT will be a royal wedding, my friends. The One that has the authority over all kings & princes & governors & earthly officials will come for us, & we will be presented to Him - beautiful, adorned, pure, radiant.

And I will betroth you to Me forever. I will betroth you to Me in righteousness & in justice, in steadfast love & in mercy.

Hosea 2:19

For your Maker is your husband, the Lord of hosts is His name; & the Holy One of Israel is your Redeemer, the God of the whole earth He is called.

Isaiah 54:5

As the bridegroom rejoices over the bride, so shall your God rejoice over you.

Isaiah 62:5

The Lord your God is in your midst, a mighty one who will save; He will rejoice over you with gladness, He will quiet you by His love; He will exult over you with loud singing.

Zephaniah 3:5

Then I saw heaven opened, and behold, a white horse! The one sitting on it is called Faithful and True, and in righteousness He judges and makes war. His eyes are like a flame of fire, and on His head are many diadems, and He has a name written that no one knows but himself. He is clothed in a robe dipped in blood, and the name by which He is called is The Word of God. And the armies of heaven, arrayed in fine linen, white and pure, were following Him on white horses. From His mouth comes a sharp sword with which to strike down the nations, and He will rule them with a rod of iron. He will tread the winepress of the fury of the wrath of God the Almighty. On His robe and on His thigh He has a name written, King of kings and Lord of lords.

Revelation 19:11-16

Then I saw a new heaven and a new earth, for the first heaven and the first earth had passed away, and the sea was no more. And I saw the holy city, new Jerusalem, coming down out of heaven from God, prepared as a bride adorned for her husband. And I heard a loud voice from the throne saying, “Behold, the dwelling place of God is with man. He will dwell with them, and they will be his people, and God himself will be with them as their God. He will wipe away every tear from their eyes, and death shall be no more, neither shall there be mourning, nor crying, nor pain anymore, for the former things have passed away.”

Revelation 21:1-4