Friday, May 27, 2011

Crawling & marriage

I tell ya, if I didn't have things to do with my time, I'd have an awesome blog. But for the next 25ish years, this is what you are stuck with. :-)

Well, it looks like we have a crawler on our hands! After a couple days of being very frustrated over getting up on all fours but not being able to move, he figured it out & is shimmying his way across the living room. Usually toward me. Moving any previously folded laundry out of the way to get there. I tell ya (there I go, tellin' ya again), I am definitely learning how to let go of things, like always having everything neatly picked up. I do however have a nice looking living room after Elliot's bedtime! I refuse to become sloppy, but I will try not to be anal.

Yesterday was Josh & I's four year anniversary. Three years ago we were in Dallas, two years ago we were in Florence, Italy (gosh, like we'll ever be able to top that), & last year we found out Elliot was a boy, so this year was definitely low-key in comparison, but being able to go out to dinner babyless was a much needed treat!! Uncle Tyler & Aunt Kelsy watched Elliot while we went out to a delicious dinner (escargots, crab cake, bacon mac n cheese with steak, truffle lobster risotto, s'mores chocolate tart & tiramisu.... I'm drooling at the memory).

Lately I have become a little more aware that I am really, really blessed by my husband. It has surprised me to see several couples our age already divorced. I don't pretend to know or understand their circumstances, but for me, I can't imagine my life without Josh. I even have dreams where we're not married, but I know that we are supposed to be, or where another guy is pursuing me & I'm like... where's Josh??? I know people say it a lot, but he TRULY is my best friend, the person who I confide in & who I have the most fun with. Even if you stripped away every bit of romantic feelings, that would remain, as it was the foundation of our relationship for several years before romance even entered the picture. & I am so thankful for him & our relationship. I don't mean for it to say that I somehow got lucky to find that special person, or something... marriage takes a lot of work & a lot of learning to die to yourself. You can't be selfish & have a good marriage, & even if our marriage wasn't great, it is still a commitment we made before God that represents Christ & His relationship with His church, & we take that very seriously. We obviously have to work at it. But, he is wonderful. & he puts up with me. For that I am thankful!

Sunday, May 15, 2011

My Identity Crisis

You know, it's amazing the things our identity can get caught up in. I think some are more obvious than others. There is the "I'm a stay at home mom;" the "I'm so successful in my job;" the "Why yes I am that person's spouse;" the "I am loving the single life;" etc. Those are identities we are more aware of. But what about roles like:

"I am so knowledgeable on this particular subject."
"I can't believe this is my life; let me tell you about my horrible life."
"I am the world's biggest fan of (insert sports team)."
"I am told I am so pretty all the time."
"I am (insert negative quality)."
"I live in a big house & drive a nice car."

We see these things that may or may not be true about us, & we dwell on them & allow them to become who we are. They determine whether or not we see ourselves as successful, valuable, or of any purpose. That's a problem. Even if those things are "good," they will eventually leave us empty & desperate for more.

I have been in a funk lately, & I am beginning to think that I have been grabbing onto these things that I see in my life, & letting them become who I am & what I am about. For instance, "I am sleep deprived & a slave to the nap schedule." My baby doesn't sleep well, & I take that to mean I am somehow failing, & afraid that others view it that way too. (That being said, if you come at me with advice, I might kick you in the shin.) Or, "this is what my body looks like now after having a baby, & the world tells me it isn't good." Great. So, if I allow these thoughts to happen, & I begin to see myself in these ways, I get frustrated & it wears on me emotionally & spiritually. Because that is NOT who I am. I am chosen by God; set free from the old, self-focused me. I have at my disposal the ability to feel freedom, peace, & joy. I want to choose those things! He has given me the role of wife & mom, & when those things are difficult, I'm not supposed to wallow in my circumstances, I'm supposed to ask Him for wisdom, for the solution to my problem. God says that what I look like on the outside doesn't matter, but my heart & my intentions do. So which one should I spend more time worrying about?? Who said my baby should be sleeping through the night every night at 12 weeks, anyways? Does God value that? (I'm not saying you're bad if you try to get your baby to sleep. I just need to make sure my heart is in the right place about it.)

I'm certainly not saying that I've figured it out. I'm trying to. I don't like being in a funk! & I think I need to focus on where I am putting my worth. That will definitely help. This is not what God has for me. He has much, much better - He has promised good things for me. I just need to allow Him to make it so.