Friday, June 20, 2008

Thoughts on adoption

Many of you who know us well know we plan to adopt at least one child one day, most likely a trans-racial baby, & most likely through New Life Adoption Agency. I have always wanted to adopt, although never felt a true calling to adopt until Josh & I were doing premarital counseling with the Bacaks, who have two adopted children (who are ADORABLE). Before we were even married, Josh & I both felt a real passion & desire to adopt, specifically through the same agency the Bacaks went through (Jenn's mom also works for the agency). The details are unknown to us - when, how many children, etc. But it's something we are excited about doing in our future.

The other day I was speaking with a friend about adoption (as her & her husband are also planning to adopt, & she is adopted) & all of a sudden I got hit with the reality of it all. What if we get chosen by a birthmom, then she changes her mind right after she has the baby? What will the relationship look like between our adopted child & his/her birthmom throughout his/her life? Our trans-racial child will probably experience racism in his/her life & it will break our hearts. Although I knew these things before, it has never troubled me like it did suddenly. But then I realized almost as soon as these things hit me - it doesn't matter. God has placed this calling on our lives. It doesn't matter how it works out or what happens. The process will most likely be trying, & we will have to learn how to have grace for people who say & do stupid things (see this story from the Bacaks blog). But God has a plan & it will be amazing to see it worked out. I'm excited about it!

My scalp is peeling from getting sun last weekend. It looks like I have big white chunks gathering at my hairline. Grrrooosssssss!!! It's a ponytail day!!

Have a good weekend!


Friday, June 13, 2008

List revisions.

I have the hiccups. I am not a fan of the hiccups. You never know when they will come (like when you try to swallow & you hiccup at the same time - OUCH), or when they will end. I used to only get the hiccups before I got sick... no kidding, I would get the hiccups, then within a couple days I would get a cold or something. I don't think that's the case anymore.

So in going through my old blogs I found a list I made at some point... I can't remember what the date was; I'd guess around sophomore year. I found it interesting... so here it is, with updated commentary. :-)

I want to know that every day I've lived has mattered... that some conversation, some experience, some circumstance was memorable or has changed me or someone else in some way.

Amen. That is hard for me these days, when the only time I leave the house is for the occasional work meeting, grocery store & other errands, etc. It's hard to see what God wants for my days right now when my life seems so solitary. I suppose it's true that God has taught me a lot lately. But am I influencing people??

I want to listen to more music - worship, alternative, classical - & absorb the different sounds - melodies, harmonies - & hear the way the words have formed a poetic story.

Well, okay, I seem to have settled into what I like... & that's about all I listen to. You who know me well know I rarely stray from my Christian rock. :-)

I want to be able to speak to complete strangers.

Hmm. Ya, I think I've become better at this, more confident. But it's still hard for me to really engage with people I don't know, like the checker at the grocery store. I want to be able to ask them how I can pray for them. I need to pray for that.

I want to write more often, in different forms, specifically a journal so I can eventually look back & see how God has changed me.

I have two journals - one I update rarely, just to catch up on what's going on in life so I can go back & read it one day & remember, & another that I write in when spending time with the Lord. I write in that one whenever I feel like God has placed a specific thought or idea on my heart, something I want to remember; I write in that one almost every day. I recommend doing that.

I want to live more by emotion & less by logic.

Ha... talk about a switcheroo. No more emotions, please! Being married to Josh has made me realize how much my emotions control my thoughts, my actions, my reactions, & I hate it. Emotions should not guide me because they rarely line up with Jesus (at least in my life)!!

I want a God-given passion to drive me to do my best & work my hardest in everything I do.

I still strive for this. Even in the mundane parts of life, I try to remember that I work as unto the Lord, not man. God deserves my best in what He has asked me to do, even the little things like laundry. I want to have joy in every aspect of my life.

I want to know that Jesus has initiated every circumstance in my life & trust that He will complete everything He begins.

I have been focusing on that verse a lot in the past couple of weeks (I think I mentioned it in my last post). I don't know if you have these days, but sometimes I just feel like the scum of the earth, so far from looking like Jesus it makes me sick. I have to remember - He's still working on me! & He won't give up! He will bring it to completion.

I want to love people, without fear of rejection or hurt, because the love I give will be a blessing, & the hurts I receive will build me into a stronger person.

This is probably one of my main struggles in life. It's hard for me to love people when I don't know if they do/will love me back. (Love meaning actions or pursual of relationship... either one.) I want to be able to, though.


Wednesday, June 11, 2008

Remember the old days?

I have been reading through my old blog from college the past couple of days (since I think it's going to be deleted due to lack of use) & wow it's crazy to reminisce. I remember things I had forgotten, & realized how much God changed me & spoke things into my life in those four years. It's easy to forget where you've come from... who you used to be. It's so comforting to see & remember that God has been working so hard on me in the past several years (or rather I have been letting Him for that long, He probably tried before then with less cooperation from me), & I really see the truth behind the fact that "God will complete the work He has begun in [me]." I guess I'm at one of those points where you realize how far you have to go... that I have a LONG LONG way to go before I look like Jesus... but it's good to see that yes, in fact, I am closer today than I was a year ago, two years ago, etc. It is by the grace of God that I know Jesus better more & more as time goes on.

It also made me miss a few friends &, not that I miss college like I wish I were still there, but I really enjoy remembering it - remembering Java shakes at sweets & studying for hours, hanging out in the MSC, football games, random hangouts with friends... A&M was good to me.

I wish I could print out my old blog in journal format so I could always have it... but it's over three years of blogs, so I'm pretty sure that would be miserable to copy & paste. I think I'll start doing it with this one tho.

Sorry it's been a while since I last updated... I haven't really been in the mood. I'll catch you up on things.

Josh & I celebrated our one-year anniversary in Dallas a couple weeks ago. We stayed at the Hilton near the Galleria (for $55 of course) & had a really yummy meal near downtown (including the best rum cake I have EVER had!). & for those of you curious, yup, our cake was still yummy a year later. I pretty much ate the whole thing (really, Josh only ate one piece, I ate the rest... over a week so I felt less gluttonous).

Work has slowed down a lot for me (just for the summer) so I have set out to do things around the house, like paint our bedroom, get wedding pictures on the walls, etc. I think I'll make our bathroom my July project... it needs new paint on the walls, cabinets, & new cabinet knob things, & new towel racks.

That's it for now. Back to old blog reading....