Life has been good. I feel like I have hit a good, new normal. My work load has evened out, for the most part, & I am able to delegate the time for each part of my jobs: wife, mom, homemaker, part-time employee. My house is even clean! How about that! I have definitely learned to extend grace to myself for the times that I just can't do it all. Josh & Elliot are my priority, & so if something else doesn't get done perfectly, that is okay. Life will go on! I am thankful to work for someone who cares about our family, & understands when I need to put work on pause to tend to Elliot. I feel like I have a good balance going on right now - well, minus exercise, that one is still lacking a bit. But as time goes on, I get a little more energy, so high hopes for getting back to some kind of exercise routine.
We dedicated Elliot to the Lord on Sunday at church. It was a special time for us to stand before our church body & say that we will do everything we can to lead him to the Lord, & for them to agree with us to come along side us & do what they can as well. I know God has created Elliot's life for a good purpose, & our role is to try our best to raise him to know God & to love His Word & obey His leading.
Part of that, that I am having a hard time with, is knowing that Elliot's life is in God's hands. As a mom, I take care of his basic needs - feeding him, keeping him clean, helping him sleep, etc. I protect him as best I can. But this has also brought a heaviness on me, an anxiety. I am responsible for this little person's well-being?! What if I mess up?? What if I do something terribly wrong? Oh, what a heavy burden to carry! It is not mine to carry! I am taking on more than my role. His life is NOT dependent on me. He is God's, & God will protect him regardless of my actions. Now, I'm obviously not saying I have no responsibility - but I am not fully responsible for him. I can't be. I do what I am supposed to do, & make decisions as best I can, but I am not going to mess up God's plan for Elliot, I'm just not.
I'm trying so hard to walk in faith, trusting God fully. A result of that will be peace & joy over my role as a mom. I haven't succeeded yet; I still deal with a physical feeling of anxiety. I have always struggled with fear, in different ways, & this is just a new version of it for me. But I know that this is something God wants to do in me, so I am prayerful in it. I want to trust Him with my children. I know I can. It's just walking that out, day by day, in my actions & emotions.
In other news, Elliot is five months now. He is continuing to grow like a weed. He is at least 27 inches long & about 16 lbs (these are my measurements so I know they are not exact) - 91st% for height, 32nd% for weight. Our little string bean! His weight had dropped off a month ago to 20th%, so I'm glad he bumped it up this month. He loves to stand (it's really hard sometimes to get him to sit!), loves having his fingers in his mouth (or anything, really), & has developed some fun new squeals & talks a lot more now. I think he may be teething - he has had some super grumpy moments lately, which is sad for our normally happy little guy.
Jason & Paige are coming to visit us this weekend, so we are very excited to spend time with old friends. I also got to spend time with a couple of friends last week. I am so thankful for the friendships that we have & are able to keep up with, though we don't live close to each other. I also love to see them loving on our little man. It is a blessing!